7 Things I’m able to do, Now that “I’m a Wife” –

4 Months of Married Life Later

Long before we considered getting married, my husband Brendan and I joked about things which could happen once we were a ‘married couple’. You know, all these kind of things comedians joke about which come with marriage: letting yourself go, b*tching about unnecessary things, and all those common quirks, positive or negative, which follow officially ‘tying the knot’.

Brendan and I did recite our own written vows, when we were married by a Minister in Punta Cana on March 11th 2020. Our vows were sincere, and sophisticated enough for a Minister to hear.

However, before we started seriously planning our wedding, we joked about incorporating certain ‘married life’ stereotypes into our vows, which we would share never to do… but, we also discussed the the perks of being a ‘married couple’.

Here are 7 things I am able to do, now that I’m Mrs. Brendan Long:

1. Allow myself to ‘get fat’

When I met Brendan, I was told by my girlfriend who knew him from her cottage (where we met) that he had been a bodybuilder. Me, I’ve been obsessed with somewhat controlling my weight since I was 12. Our mutual understanding of the importance of diet played a cubical role in our compatibility, therefore, we jokingly agreed we’d incorporate it into our vows. Following the traditional wedding vows, “in sickness and in health”, we’d add “so long as you don’t let yourself go.”

When I became a ‘wife’, suddenly the pressure to be hot enough to turn heads, turned into the acceptance of real love. My commitment to Brendan to never be a fat wife remains, but the pressure has eased when I see myself creep up on the scale.

Luckily, I know Brendan would love me no matter what size I become, as long as I make an effort to stay in shape. The same goes for him.

2. Delete Tinder off my phone forever

Of course, I deleted Tinder off my phone a long time ago, when I started to pursuit things with Brendan. Deleting the painful app meant dealing with pathetic weirdos, and needing to explain my complicated life story, over and over again, was gone. However, there was still that fear that maybe I’d become one of those desperate ‘spinsters’ looking for an online catch.

Once Brendan and I tied the knot, I was suddenly somebody’s wife. And somebody’s wife should never need to create an online dating profile, especially the grimmest of the most, Tinder.

The above is very true. There’s nothing I enjoyed about dates with people I didn’t know.

Sorry to anyone reading this who has ever spent money on a date with me. Your money has officially gone to waste.

I wasted so much time and energy on Tinder, and I feel a sigh of relief knowing I found my other half without having to come up with a fake story of how we met.

3. I have the right to make spiteful comments about any younger woman, who so much as walks down a main road, and happens to be in sight of my husband while he is driving.

As a young and decently attractive woman, I used to notice the wife’s reaction, when I passed by an older couple. She would grab onto her husband’s arm, and grill me up and down, as if I’d done something horribly offensive.

Once you are a ‘wife’, your biggest fear is your husband running off with a younger woman. In order to prevent this situation, your best protection is to make spiteful comments about any attractive lady….

“Eww. Look at her in that outfit. Who is she trying to attract? Do you wish I looked like that? I saw you look at her. I know you think that little intern at your office is attractive!”

Of course, the husband doesn’t stand a chance at winning this pointless argument, so his best bet is to apologize for doing nothing wrong and buy his wife a present.

4. I’m done wondering if anything will go wrong on my Wedding Day.

To be honest, before Brendan and I started planning our wedding, I never thought ‘d get married. However, every girl fanaticizes about her ‘dream wedding’, whether it be the location, the celebrations around it, the poutine table, forced photoshoots, or that fairytale ballgown wedding dress.

For me, I doubted I’d find ‘the one’, but if I did, I’d wear a short white mini dress with a veil, on a beach. I didn’t expect it would only be shared with my significant other, but it did. It went perfect. Nothing went wrong on my wedding day.

My dream wedding ensemble. My dress, a one-of-a-kind find at M Boutique in the Eaton Centre, veil and shoes from David’s Bridal, and accessories from my favourite store, Adrene.

The horrors stories I’ve heard about couples planning there weddings years in advance, only to have a highly expensive day ruined in some way…Open bar equals obnoxious guests, family drama taking the stage, the kid of the parents who insisted they bring their child took a fistful of the wedding cake before the ceremonial and photographed ‘cake cutting’…That pressure of my ‘wedding day’ alleviated from my shoulders is a blessing.

Brendan and I woke up to no alarm, spent the whole day together, and were in the pool until only and a half before the ceremony. We also got an entire cake to ourselves at our private reception.

My Mum planned to host some sort of celebration in the summer, which likely now, due to COVID-19, will be next year. I told her not to ask my opinion in the planning, but it can be her chance to be the ‘mother of the bride’.

5. Chime in with something when other wives complain about their husbands.

You know those married women who always say “my husband…..”, usually followed by some sort of complaint, often referred to by men as ‘nagging’? They are more common with couples who follow the traditional ‘man’ and ‘woman’ roles: the women primarily doing the housework and cooking, and the men being the primary breadwinner, doing stuff like mowing the lawn, taking out trash, and fixing things when they break.

I think ‘nagging’ stems from little things wives wish their husbands would do, in order to keep the house the way they like it.

Example:

Wife says to other wife friends: “Well my husband likes to eat without a plate on the couch, and sometimes I wake up and there’s clusters of ants crawling around over a pile of Pop Tart crumbs.”

When the wife ‘nags’ at the husband it sounds like so: “Ugh. Does it kill you to get a plate? There’s ants all over the house.”

Though the first example, which one wife says to the other, is still indeed a complaint, there is more of a reason and explanation. When it is said from the wife to the husband, there’s usually more attitude and scoffs to make the statement more dramatic. Therefore, it is interpreted as an ‘attack’ by the husband.

Above is a picture of me not nagging.

Relationship psychology states that if you phrase things kindly and not critically, there will be less arguments between a couple.

Wives, let’s make an effort to change ‘nagging’ into ‘constructive criticism’. To be honest though, I think women just like having things to complain about…especially their husbands.

6. I can joke and compare us to any married couple in a comedy television show.

Married women, or girls in long term relationships, like to compare their lives to couples on television shows.

When it comes to watching sitcoms, wives love to sit on the couch with their husbands and when any minor funny or mildly relatable thing happens between the couple, they nudge him and go, “Oh that’s so me and you!”

This here is sickeningly cringe-worthy.

Unless you have a completely lifeless relationship with your spouse, most little phrases, quirks, or things common coupes do, could relate to just about anyone.

However, I must admit, there was this one episode of Family Guy where Brendan said about us, “That’s me and you.” Lois and Peter are sitting in bed watching a movie, and Lois keeps interrupting saying “Oh, who’s that? Where are they going?” And Peter irritatedly replies “I, I don’t know. We’ve just been introduced to this character. I’ve been watching this just as long as you.”

I suppose you could compare us to Jackie and Hyde, more so in the way which Jackie never shuts up, and Hyde has to tell her to.

7. I finally have someone to cook for, who realistically, I will rarely cook for.

Gone are the days when the ‘woman’ of the house would greet her hardworking husband at 5:30pm, after his long day, providing for the family. Wearing a dress, looking dolled-up, she would hand her hubby his slippers, and have a home-cooked meal waiting on the dining table.

Now, families rarely sit around a dining table all at one time, and enjoy a healthy, nutritious meal together. It’s more like, if anything, they sit around the TV with something cooked in the microwave, a pizza, or takeout.

There’s two reasons the ‘housewife and husband’ deal in scenario number one rarely happens these days:

Most guys, nowadays, have tried and are now hooked on the greasy Western luxuries we call ‘fast food’ and ‘junk food’. Why spend three hours preparing a glazed ham with green beans and mashed potatoes, when your guy is happy to microwave himself pizza pockets, or make KD? It’s also cheaper and quicker to indulge in a ‘meal’ which comes in a greasy bag from a drive through.
Say you do have a husband who appreciates a hearty dinner, most women don’t have the time to be a home-cooking housewife. Between their lives as a busy career woman, hobbies, fitness classes, and beauty appointments, they have less time to cook than men do.

Take none of this too seriously, as little of it is a reflection of my own relationship with my husband. Though he does enjoy his Pizza Pockets and Kraft Dinner, I’m not concerned about any of the negatives which are commonly associated with ‘married couples’.