From Counting Calories to Cooking For a Man – Dinnertime Disasters When You’re Suddenly Not Single
Boys love food.
The key to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
For me, food is fuel, and although I grew up a fat kid with a huge sweet tooth and wouldn’t eat a vegetable until I was 19, for the past 6 years I’ve adopted a strict eating regimen in order to fight my tragic endomorphic body type. If you’re not familiar with the endomorphic body type, it can be defined as “a person with a soft round body build and a high proportion of fat tissue”- you struggle with your weight.
To fight this, I cut out bread, pasta, heavy grains, cheese, and fried foods from my diet, and limit sugar (my weakness) as much as possible.
My idea of “cooking” is a bowl of mixed cereal with almond milk in the morning, a salad for lunch, and plain grilled chicken with vegetables for dinner- my go-to being microwavable peas. When I cook, it’s either on the George Foreman Grill, microwave, or maybe I’ll burn the vegetables to death in a frying pan with no oil.
Since I haven’t had a meaningful relationship since I began preparing meals for myself, I happily coasted by with these limited skills of how to whip up a pathetic dinner I would never serve to anyone else.
For the past month and a half, I’ve been stepping up to the plate to learn how to cook hearty meals for a man with a healthy appetite. Although you’d never guess by looking at his toned arms and core and slender physique, my guy, like all of them, loves to eat, and his favourite foods are pasta, cheese, butter, and what has come to be my worst enemy, potatoes.
[The above GIF is NOT me]
Before we started hanging out, he was happy to make himself Kraft Dinner and Pizza Pockets, and ham with rice when he felt fancy. Although he’s an excellent cook, I came to learn, a working man living on his own rarely goes out of his way to prepare healthy meals.
[That GIF is NOT my boyfriend. It’s Soulja Boy.]
When we began seeing each other, I’d bring over my Mum’s cooked meals and heat them up no problem. He tried all of her specialties such as chicken in wine sauce, spaghetti, stew, and chili. When I started staying with him to take care of our puppy, I had to get creative and learn my best to cook basic meals which most people who don’t live on a diet find normal.
[I swear she could do a better job of cooking than me.]
He’s been very patient, shows me how to cook things, and still keeps me around even after I’ve had panic attacks of frustration after disasters in the kitchen. I volunteer and am happy to do the cooking because he works a physically exhausting job whilst I work from home, and to be honest, it’s about time I learn how to make a decent dinner.
Here’s some of my frustrations I’ve come to deal with in the kitchen:
- Cutting up cheese
Although it’s not hard to cut up cheese, it’s something I’ve never done before because I don’t eat cheese. I used to love it as a kid, but when you eliminate it from your diet, you feel like Luke Skywalker is splicing open a Ton-Ton to keeping warm in your gizzards when you ingest it. My guy loves cheese, and he has not one, but three kinds on his sandwich at lunch, and takes me about five minutes to cut it.
2. Using the stovetop
For me the stove used to be for over-cooked omelettes and blackened mushrooms in a pan. When I tried to make chicken and meat in the oven, my guy said he prefers meat cooked on the stove. He’s been showing me how, but I still have to ask him to get up from cuddling the dog to check to make sure the meat is cooked and wont poison us.
3. Adding sauces
Eating clean means limiting the amount of additional sauces and creams in your dishes to cut back on calories. When I made broccoli, he said to me “Oh next time you’re at the grocery store you should get cheese sauce”. I think I snapped back because after 45 min preparing dinner, my broccoli wasn’t good enough, but maybe it’s just because I’d never think to ruin a perfectly healthy vegetable with fat from a cow’s teat.
4. Mashed Potatoes
I didn’t realise until now, but potatoes are my arch-nemesis and my kryptonite. Potatoes are something which appeared on my plate growing up as french fries (and I would consider them a vegetable) or I’d indulge in my Dad’s overly buttery and creamy mashed-potatoes. But since clean eating has me substituting cauliflower or squash for the starches, I had no idea how to make mashed potatoes. I started off making my guy instant mash, but got the courage to buy real potatoes. Mashing taters is his specialty, and when I ruined them by pouring in too much milk, I seriously had an embarrassing meltdown.
5. Baked Potatoes
Then came the baked potatoes. I bought some pre-wrapped foil potatoes and planned an hour to cook them. The boy said “Oh, you bought the kind already wrapped in foil?”. I said “Yes…”. He replied “Oh, if you get the ones not pre-wrapped you can stuff them with things”…. I seriously can’t win.
6. Variety
My old roommates thought it was nuts how I ate the same thing for breakfast, lunch, and dinner each day. Of course, I can’t do that now that I have a guy who would like and deserves a varied diet. I’m now having to learn to cook more meats than just chicken breasts, and actually browse the grocery store to see what these places have to offer.
7. It’s not all bad when the job is over and done
My guy has been super patient with me learning to cook, as I mentioned, and is happy to show me his tricks and tips to make spectacular dinners. After the hour panic attack of making the food, it makes it all worth while when he says “That was delicious and gives me a kiss for a job well done.”
[I consider myself lucky every day to have an awesome guy who has taken on a nut like me. He’s a gem. Oh and he’s talented too. Check out his art Salty Sketchpad]
Love from Lala.
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